I haven't written a post for a while now and that's because life does funny things to you, you make plans and they don't always go right. You try to be determined and really try hard to do something but again you don't, and that's sad.
Everyone has ups and downs right? Well you think everyone does until you hit this brick wall when all you feel is down and everybody around you seems to be on cloud 9 but for you there is no longer any ups.
Ok I am not like this 24/7 but I think it has something to do with the time of the year for me and the grieving process. I might be moody and people will just think I am in a bad mood and that they need to let me cool down or whatever.. but when you look deeper and if your someone that really knows me you will know I am hurting so bad inside.
The past year has honestly been the hardest year of my life, this time last year I was getting excited for my baby shower at the weekend, I wasn't sure about it at first because I always seemed to get a bit nervous when I had to socialise with Chris's family without him being there to help me make conversation because I was so shy then. As soon as I walked in that room on the day of my baby shower I felt surprisingly comfortable. I kept thinking this little bundle of joy in my belly is going to really help me to connect more with Chris's family, she'd be my daughter and we would all kind of be related and that put my mind at ease and my baby shower turned out to be really fun!
We played games but the one 'game' that plays on my mind now is the ribbon one.. a reel of ribbon went round the room and each person would cut the amount of ribbon off that they thought the size of my belly (round ways) was. One of the ladies there got it spot on and I have kept that exact ribbon and is in a memory box. Something that seemed insignificant at the time was that I had a really bad headache and I kept getting these headaches like id never had before.
Little did I know my pre-eclampsia was getting worse and signs of it includes
vision problems, such as blurring or seeing flashing lights
pain just below the ribs
Severe Headaches
vomiting
excessive weight gain caused by fluid retention
high blood pressure
protein in urine
feeling very unwell
I had all of the above symptoms apart from vomiting.. I always felt sick and this may be TMI but instead of being sick I was on the toilet constantly.
This was my first pregnancy and I thought near the end you was meant to feel exhausted, like a beached whale and have pains in weird places I was 34 and a half weeks pregnant.
All I kept being told was that I 'could' have pre-eclampsia but it was never confirmed and every nurse, midwife or doctor I ended up seeing didn't seemed too alarmed and I didn't know anything about it and I thought if it was really that bad they would tell me.
The 22nd of April 2013 was the day I was airlifted to the Royal London Hospital, my mum come home from work and had found me having seizures in my bed. My mum and Chris got to the hospital and the doctors told them that Lily had died inside me, from all the seizures I was having my placenta erupted. They needed to do a emergency C-section so that is what happened, I was in an induced coma for 3 days and in intensive care. they woke me up 3 days after it happened, I had a tube down my throat needles of some sort in my neck hands and arm.
I woke to what I thought was my mums face one side of me and Chris's the other, I couldn't really move but I moved my head from one side to the other. My vision was so bad and I could barely make them out but I could hear their voices. I said to my mum..
"Where's Lily"
She replied with what I wasn't ready to hear,
" Lily didn't make it darling, I am so sorry."
These words destroyed a part of me that day that will never come back, I laid there screaming inside, crying and trying to move, but I wasn't moving I was trying to talk but nothing else would come out.
I remember when the doctor asked me if I could raise my leg, I put everything I had into trying to lift my leg and it didn't even come off the bed. I was so frustrated and I just started to cry because I couldn't move and do all the things that we do for ourselves in day to day life that seem so effortless. I kept trying and all I wanted was to go home so the next day I was able to get out of bed and sit in a chair, then Mum & Chris were either side of me and helped me to walk to the other side of the room and then 2 days after that I was walking fine and by myself again (with Chris ready to catch me just in case though)
That 8 days in hospital was hell for me. I wasn't really sure what had happened or why it had happened to me.
I had about 4 heart scans, 2 or 3 brain MRI's blood taken all the time. Taking pills every couple of hours.
I was literally going mad near the end of my stay in hospital, they had put me on the maternity ward and I thought I was hearing things at night when id try to sleep I would lay there crying thinking It was all in my head hearing women give birth and babies crying.. but I didn't realise I was on the maternity ward and up until recently I thought it was all in my head but it wasn't it was real.
There was so much going around in my head I was having hallucinations and I was in shock.
Chris, mum, dad & rob went to see Lily the day after the C-section. The worst thing for me thinking back now is that (not being nasty) they all got to see my baby before me.. they all knew what she looked like and what had happened and I didn't have a clue.
Id wake up and think it was all a dream and that she was still inside me but the harsh reality was that she wasn't there anymore wriggling about, kicking me & just moving.
It was all over.. I wasn't pregnant anymore and most of all I wasn't about to be a mum anymore.
A month after coming out of hospital I finally met my beautiful daughter, she looked so peaceful as if she was just sleeping. Our funeral director was amazing and made us feel so comfortable. It was so hard for me to walk in that room and even harder to walk out of it.
June 3rd was her funeral I walked out of the front door to see a man holding my baby in a tiny pink coffin my heart sank, her coffin was placed on our laps and we held her little tiny box the whole way to the crematorium. My baby was with me for one last time. We walked in to all our close family there with Sarah McLachlan - In The Arms of the Angel playing.
And as we left Leona Lewis - Run was played.
We walked out and the sun was shining and I just smiled. My baby was safe now from all the harm that came to us and all the scary things and horrible people in this world.
Its so hard to grieve and I don't think I will ever stop grieving for her but for now I will try to go on and live my life the best I can with the people I love around me. Chris I wouldn't have been able to work through this without you, you are amazing and I love and appreciate you so much.
There has been so much Love and support from both our families and I love you all very much.
Vange & Verity, Thank you for sticking around when I needed you both the most no matter how difficult I would be! I love you both.
I don't usually like to tell the world my business in great detail and this probably isn't even the half of it! Some of what I've said people have told me and I wasn't even aware of it happening. There is so many different sides to this but it would be too long and too complicated for me to explain.
if someone reads this and it saves their baby or them or even just makes people aware of pre-eclampsia then I am glad I have shared this piece of my life with you all.
To Lily, I Love you so much! I will never forget you, I think of you everyday! Rest In Peace Angel xxxxxx
(I didn't get an A in English I don't use punctuation properly so don't moan at me for spelling or whatever.. all I have done is say it how it is.)
