Windy Walk With The Boyfriend & Doggy.

 

 

 So the weather is defiantly changing, and it is getting colder. You've still got to make time to go out for a nice walk though! I went for a walk with my boyfriend and our dog and on this occasion I thought I would take a few pictures as we don't get to go for a walk together that often anymore.

Just a short one from me today, I have a few other posts in mind. I am not sure if the pictures look a little yellow-ey on your computer but they didn't before i uploaded them on here so not sure what happened there.



When we got home I think this little one was finished for the day!

 Thanks for reading,
Emma
xoxo

LUSH! Review/ First Impressions.

 

So.. I went to lush! Yes I finally did it after a little push in the right direction from Verity when we went shopping a couple of weeks ago. I haven't got a clue really why I 've never been in there. I fell in LOVE when I walked through the door. Its so bright and so many different smells haha!

So I only got 2 things but also got a sample of a face mask ill put some pictures below and a little description below for anyone that's interested.

TWILIGHT bath bomb £3.25

I didn't edit the picture above as I wanted anyone reading to see the true colours.

Its so nice to watch a bath bomb work its magic I was actually standing next to the bath for a couple of minutes watching it fizz away and change the colour of the water.

I got into the bath just after this picture and the smells coming from this bath bomb were sooo nice! I mean I smelt it in the shop and thought oh that's a nice but I didn't realise I would like it that much, I think when your in the lush shop there is so much to choose from and so many different scents. When you get home and actually use your products its so much better as you've only got the one scent in front of you.. it left my bathroom smelling lovely for a pretty long time too!

With this one I didn't realise it actually has blue in the middle too so when it had finished it left the bath a lovely pinky purple colour!!

I highly recommend this one to anyone that's new to lush as I was.

 

THE COMFORTER Bubble Bar £4.50

 

I must say this one was actually my favourite out of the two but I did really love twilight too!

I love a good bubble bath you can certainly see that's its a bubble bar that's for sure! I got this one on the recommendation of verity as its one of her favourites. I can also see myself wanting to get this one every time I get the chance to go in lush! I must have used this 3 times (I think they recommend 2 times but I did pick the biggest one as they vary in size.) and each time I got out of the bath I felt so fresh and could smell the scent hours after id got out of the bath which is a nice plus to this product. This also leaves you will a gorgeous pink colour in the water too, what more can you ask for, bubbles , pink bath water & smells amazing!

CUPCAKE fresh face mask. £6.25

This face mask defiantly smells of chocolate its very rich in its scent and it did feel amazing on my skin, I can only comment on the one time of me using it. As I said above they were nice enough to give me and verity a few samples as she's a regular shopper to lush. The sample was enough for one use. I would say £6 for a face mask is expensive to me but the full size product is really big and you would get loads of use out of it. It did leave my skin feeling lovely and I did feel really refreshed after using it. I think I would see the benefits if I used it more so I think when I have enough money saved I want to go and do a decent shop in lush and I would get this.

P.s yes that's me underneath with the face mask on and conditioner in my hair.. Haha loved it!

This was my first experience with all things lush I was also given a sample hair mask to try which I haven't used yet. I loved lush and I will defiantly be going again.

Thanks for reading

Emma

xoxo

A day with family.

 

So yesterday I went to southend with my mum and dad, we had a really nice chilled day and ended up walking along the pier, I didn't know it was over a mile long haha silly me! Its really important to spend time with your family, especially if you no longer live with them. As you know my mum and dad aren't together anymore but we all get along very well and my dad comes down every Friday to see me and my brother at my mums. I love that we can go out together like this because I know not everyone whos parents aren't together anymore get to expierence this, I did take a few pictures so I will put them below if anyone is interested in seeing some.

 Haha this picture below makes me laugh, slightly wind swept and not really ready for the picture!

We did walk the pier and got the little train on the way back as we were in abit of a rush near the end as I had to be back for work, the picture above on the right was on the train, I am not going to lie I did feel a little bit freaked out it was a bit of a bumpy ride! The picture on the left is me and my mum we were just casually walking along and I thought why not do a selfie with her.


We of course walked round the shops and I went into Pandora, I fell in love with this ring and took a picture as my 21st birthday is coming up and my dad said he would get it for me and to send him the picture, so I thought I would share it all with you too.

I'd just like to add its good to go out with no makeup on sometimes. I did this day and didn't even think about it. I know when I was younger I never used to do it and I would feel really insecure but nobody cares what you look like, except for you.


Thanks for reading
Emma
xoxo

Promise me everything is going to be ok.

What do you do when your scared and you don't trust anyone or believe that they can help you. How do we put our faith in that they can save us?
I feel like I am ready to be a mother.. I mean I was ready in 2012 when the worst thing happened. When you fall pregnant and its a shock your minds all over the place, you wonder what people will think, your scared to tell people.. I was like this and in the end I just come out with it no tip toeing around.. you just say it!
My mum knew first as she was waiting as I done the test, it said positive so I did another which also said positive. She was fine about it and just carried on putting the cheese on her toast. I then sent my boyfriend a picture of the test and he called me and said so does that mean your pregnant.. yes I said and he just laughed and went on about how we was going to name the baby after a Chelsea player!
I was over the moon that he was so supportive and after he got telling all of his family out of the way I think he was more comfortable with it. We were both shocked but happy and as time went on it started to sink in more that we were going to be parents. We got so excited and we prepared ourselves for the arrival of our little girl.
The pregnancy wasn't great but I actually loved the feeling of being pregnant I loved feeling her kick and move around and hiccup! I used to talk to my belly quite a bit and I felt I was growing closer and closer to her.. I was so ready for her to be born and start being the best mum I could be!
When that didn't happen.. I had to try and get used to being just regular old me again. Do you know how hard that is? I had to take what felt like 100 steps back in life. It was an even bigger adjustment than finding out I was pregnant. Life is so hard and throws curve balls at you all the time.  Me and my boyfriend are so ready. There's just one thing stopping me, well not stopping me just scares me. The thought that I might die if I get pregnant again scares me so much and to see people who are so bad in they're pregnancy.. smoking, doing drugs and drinking and they have a completely normal run and the baby comes out perfect! How? Why me? When I tried so hard to be good? As I said before I loved being pregnant and now even the thought of it makes me feel nervously sick.
The point is no body that can tell me its all going to be fine, you and your baby will be ok Emma and that scares me.

There's so many things that can go wrong but I am only asking for one thing to go right, just this once, I wont ask for anything again, Please let everything be ok this next time.

So I was thinking a lot today about future pregnancies, if any of you have had pre eclampsia and got pregnant again and it went ok or you got it again but how it was different how the hospitals treated you this time,  or just have general advice please comment below it would be a big help.

Thanks for reading.
Emma
xoxo.

4 months?

So its been 4 months? yes, yes it has. Writing your feelings down can be hard sometimes. Even writing your opinions can be hard too because everyone has different views on everything! What do you do when you've got so much in your head that you want to share with the world but your not sure if you can or even should?

Well I've decided to really try at blogging and if I fail and come back in another 4 months then who cares.. at least I can say I have tried right?

So why do I even bother with this? I bother because sometimes.. well more or less all the time when I write something down and just get it out of my head I feel better. I feel I am not holding things in, not trying to be cut off from the world anymore.  I find it hard to open up to people and putting it in a blog post is so much easier, its there for other people to read and if they are going through the same sort of thing then they know they are not the only one. Whenever something goes wrong we all think why me? why now? Some people don't care if other people are going through things too but if your one of those people that are a little bit nosy.. well intrigued sounds better (like me haha) then you will like to know how other people are feeling and what's going on in the world.. so lets do it.

Ok so ive said it I am really going to try hard to write what I feel like when I feel like it.. although I find it hard to put in words sometimes, I really want to re vamp my blog and make it the best I can with what I have its all trial and error in everything in life. Wish me luck!

Thanks for reading,

Emma
xoxo

Life Is So Unfair Sometimes.

 

I haven't written a post for a while now and that's because life does funny things to you, you make plans and they don't always go right. You try to be determined and really try hard to do something but again you don't, and that's sad.

 

 

Everyone has ups and downs right? Well you think everyone does until you hit this brick wall when all you feel is down and everybody around you seems to be on cloud 9 but for you there is no longer any ups.

Ok I am not like this 24/7 but I think it has something to do with the time of the year for me and the grieving process. I might be moody and people will just think I am in a bad mood and that they need to let me cool down or whatever.. but when you look deeper and if your someone that really knows me you will know I am hurting so bad inside.

The past year has honestly been the hardest year of my life, this time last year I was getting excited for my baby shower at the weekend, I wasn't sure about it at first because I always seemed to get a bit nervous when I had to socialise with Chris's family without him being there to help me make conversation because I was so shy then. As soon as I walked in that room on the day of my baby shower I felt surprisingly comfortable. I kept thinking this little bundle of joy in my belly is going to really help me to connect more with Chris's family, she'd be my daughter and we would all kind of be related and that put my mind at ease and my baby shower turned out to be really fun!

We played games but the one 'game' that plays on my mind now is the ribbon one.. a reel of ribbon went round the room and each person would cut the amount of ribbon off that they thought the size of my belly (round ways) was. One of the ladies there got it spot on and I have kept that exact ribbon and is in a memory box. Something that seemed insignificant at the time was that I had a really bad headache and I kept getting these headaches like id never had before.

Little did I know my pre-eclampsia was getting worse and signs of it includes

 

vision problems, such as blurring or seeing flashing lights

pain just below the ribs

Severe Headaches

vomiting

excessive weight gain caused by fluid retention

high blood pressure

protein in urine

feeling very unwell

I had all of the above symptoms apart from vomiting.. I always felt sick and this may be TMI but instead of being sick I was on the toilet constantly.

This was my first pregnancy and I thought near the end you was meant to feel exhausted, like a beached whale and have pains in weird places I was 34 and a half weeks pregnant.
All I kept being told was that I 'could' have pre-eclampsia  but it was never confirmed and every nurse, midwife or doctor I ended up seeing didn't seemed too alarmed and I didn't know anything about it and I thought if it was really that bad they would tell me.

The 22nd of April 2013 was the day I was airlifted to the Royal London Hospital, my mum come home from work and had found me having seizures in my bed. My mum and Chris got to the hospital and the doctors told them that Lily had died inside me, from all the seizures I was having my placenta erupted. They needed to do a emergency C-section so that is what happened, I was in an induced coma for 3 days and in intensive care. they woke me up 3 days after it happened, I had a tube down my throat needles of some sort in my neck hands and arm.

I woke to what I thought was my mums face one side of me and Chris's the other, I couldn't really move but I moved my head from one side to the other. My vision was so bad and I could barely make them out but I could hear their voices. I said to my mum..

"Where's Lily"

She replied with what I wasn't ready to hear,

" Lily didn't make it darling, I am so sorry."
These words destroyed a part of me that day that will never come back, I laid there screaming inside, crying and trying to move, but I wasn't moving I was trying to talk but nothing else would come out.

I remember when the doctor asked me if I could raise my leg, I put everything I had into trying to lift my leg and it didn't even come off the bed. I was so frustrated and I just started to cry because I couldn't move and do all the things that we do for ourselves in day to day life that seem so effortless. I kept trying and all I wanted was to go home so the next day I was able to get out of bed and sit in a chair, then Mum & Chris were either side of me and helped me to walk to the other side of the room and then 2 days after that I was walking fine and by myself again (with Chris ready to catch me just in case though)

That 8 days in hospital was hell for me. I wasn't really sure what had happened or why it had happened to me.
I had about 4 heart scans, 2 or 3 brain MRI's blood taken all the time. Taking pills every couple of hours.
I was literally going mad near the end of my stay in hospital, they had put me on the maternity ward and I thought I was hearing things at night when id try to sleep I would lay there crying thinking It was all in my head hearing women give birth and babies crying.. but I didn't realise I was on the maternity ward and up until recently I thought it was all in my head but it wasn't it was real.
There was so much going around in my head I was having hallucinations and I was in shock.

Chris, mum, dad & rob went to see Lily the day after the C-section. The worst thing for me thinking back now is that (not being nasty) they all got to see my baby before me.. they all knew what she looked like and what had happened and I didn't have a clue.
Id wake up and think it was all a dream and that she was still inside me but the harsh reality was that she wasn't there anymore wriggling about, kicking me & just moving.
It was all over.. I wasn't pregnant anymore and most of all I wasn't about to be a mum anymore.

A month after coming out of hospital I finally met my beautiful daughter, she looked so peaceful as if she was just sleeping. Our funeral director was amazing and made us feel so comfortable. It was so hard for me to walk in that room and even harder to walk out of it.

June 3rd was her funeral I walked out of the front door to see a man holding my baby in a tiny pink coffin my heart sank, her coffin was placed on our laps and we held her little tiny box the whole way to the crematorium. My baby was with me for one last time. We walked in to all our close family there with Sarah McLachlan - In The Arms of the Angel playing.
And as we left Leona Lewis - Run was played.
We walked out and the sun was shining and I just smiled. My baby was safe now from all the harm that came to us and all the scary things and horrible people in this world.

Its so hard to grieve and I don't think I will ever stop grieving for her but for now I will try to go on and live my life the best I can with the people I love around me. Chris I wouldn't have been able to work through this without you, you are amazing and I love and appreciate you so much.

There has been so much Love and support from both our families and I love you all very much.

Vange & Verity, Thank you for sticking around when I needed you both the most no matter how difficult I would be! I love you both.

I don't usually like to tell the world my business in great detail and this probably isn't even the half of it!  Some of what I've said people have told me and I wasn't even aware of it happening. There is so many different sides to this but it would be too long and too complicated for me to explain. 

 if someone reads this and it saves their baby or them or even just makes people aware of pre-eclampsia then I am glad I have shared this piece of my life with you all.

 

To Lily, I Love you so much! I will never forget you, I think of you everyday!  Rest In Peace Angel xxxxxx

 

 

(I didn't get an A in English I don't use punctuation properly so don't moan at me for spelling or whatever.. all I have done is say it how it is.)

 

 

Discovering Youtube.

 

 

Hi guys how are you today? Good? Ok then.. today I am going to be filling you in on how I came across YouTube and a few of my favourite YouTubers! This may be interesting for some of you if you have only just discovered the YouTube community or if your not new and you love watching YouTube videos then this might help you find new content to watch if you don't watch them already.

I always knew YouTube existed I just didn't really know what videos would go up or even why sometimes. It was a bit of a mystery to me first until.. I had been talking to my mum about decorating my room soon as it was coming up to the summer and I wanted a change, I couldn't think of what I really wanted though so I started to look for ideas online. I thought I would type in room décor ideas on Google and it come up with a few videos that said 'Room Tour' I was really intrigued so I clicked on one and it took me to YouTube I was surprised there was something like this on there. I cant even remember the first one I clicked on but I don't think it was very good because I didn't watch it long before I decided to look for others.. this day honestly changed my life I typed in 'room tour' and it come up with loads but that's when I found JuicyStar07 aka Blair. Blair's (First) Room Tour.

After I started watching Blair I soon found her sister Elle and I watched them both for a couple of months not knowing there was more like them! I wanted some hair extensions and I just typed in hair extensions on YouTube and It come up with the first British YouTuber that I found which was.. FleurDeForce. She was reviewing clip in hair extensions. As time went on I was discovering more and more people like MissGlamorazzi , KandeeJohnson. After these I then found more British YouTubers I think the first boy I come across was JimChapman!

I watched a few of his videos and in one of them he mentioned his girlfriend Tanya and said she had a youtube channel and I thought to myself, this is brilliant I've found a whole new world of people and it became a hobby to watch them if it counts as one. I went on to Tanya's channel and started watching all her videos. I then became more and more interested and come across a haul so every time before I knew I was going shopping I would look for recent (no older than a month) hail videos for ideas and what to look out for when I am shopping. This is when I found this video of Zoella's I was instantly hooked and made sure I was checking back for another video more frequently!

I was un aware that YouTube had such amazing and interesting people. I think when your lonely or your just bored and haven't got anything to do you go searching for new things and I found YouTube. I spent hours and hours over that first summer I think it was 2010 watching loads of videos of all of the above people and instantly fell in love with them all.
These days I know what time some people upload and what days and I make sure to watch! I go on YouTube every day sometimes when I wake up and before I go to bed and I watch new videos on my phone.

At first I didn't tell people I watched them, I thought they might find it weird so for a long time it was kind of something I never mentioned to anyone until recently I told my friend Verity about them as I thought she would be interested and she was also shocked to know that these sort of people existed. She was inspired to write a blog and then convinced me into writing one myself. This is only the beginning, maybe one day I will be confident enough to start a YouTube channel and talk about things I enjoy, who knows? I may not but for now I enjoy watching everyone else's videos and writing a blog post when I've got something to talk about so it might not be every day because my life really isn't that exciting and I think it would bore you all.

I just thought I would link a few more people I have found over the years that I have really got into and are some of my favourite people to watch.

 

beautycrush

FunForLouis

 

Sprinkleofglitter

SACCONEJOLYs

 

PointlessBlog

 

tyleroakley

 

sawyerhartman

 

JoeyGraceffa

 

ThatcherJoe

 

MarcusButlerTV

 

dicasp

 

 itsgrace

 

SamPepper

 

fouseyTUBE

 

JacksGap

Until next time.

Thanks for reading
Emma
xoxo

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Disclaimer.. the picture at the top was found off google.